Brain asked: Ok, I’m asking honestly as someone who wants to learn : Why is attraction a stupid state to anchor?
The problem with anchoring attraction is that you have no idea what you are anchoring. The second problem is that attraction is not a static thing. It is a description of a combination of things that someone feels. The third problem is that it is a HUGE leap from stranger…to attraction.
OK first things first. Let me explain anchoring a bit. Anchoring is a skill that opens door so that the other person can DISCOVER who you are. It is not slavish control of the other person. So if you anchor attraction and anything about you violates what they are really attracted to, well lets say that it does not turn out well.
So if you anchor trust, you are now going to be held at that higher standard of trust. If you then lie to someone then you will get a more negative emotional response than if you were a stranger. If you anchor attraction then you violate what the other person finds attractive you will get a negative emotional response.
This is why so many people who try this skill fail so miserably. They don’t understand why women don’t call them back or completely reject them after a first meeting. It is because they tried to force a state on someone then did not live up to the state.
That leads me to what attraction is. Attraction is not about how you physically look. Yes if you are a smelly dirty slob who is an insecure asshole, you are not going to attract many people. You are going to actively repel them. Attraction is more about the QUALITIES that you have as a person. These qualities are different for each person.
Let me give you an example. I can ask someone what attracts them to another person. I might get an answer about looks. What I am really looking for is how they have to feel to be attracted. Some people like to feel secure, connected and open. Others like funny, secure and challenged. Others yet might like to feel controlled, led and protected.
So when you try to anchor attraction, you have no clue what you are anchoring. So if you have someone who like someone else to take the lead and likes to be subordinate and you try to make them feel equal and ask them what they want to do…..it is a disaster.
The third problem is that going from a stranger to attraction is a huge leap and unnatural. When you stretch an anchor that far you get buyers remorse. They don’t understand why they feel that way and it is outside the natural range of emotions that they feel. So it gets rejected. You have to learn how to string anchors and states so that the transition matches what they normally do. Even then….you can’t violate those anchors.
Too many people try to use this stuff to control others. To me this just shows that they are terrified to let people see who they really are because they are afraid of rejection. If you don’t think people will like who you are…CHANGE.
So someone who loves hiking and outdoors is not going to sit and play video games with you all day. Trying to CONTROL them so they love video games is hard work and will eventually always fail.
Here is how I use anchoring. When I see that what I want is a match for the other person, I know I can use anchoring and rapport building to open those doors so that the other person can see our common goal. That might mean selling them a product. It might mean meeting a girl. It might mean getting out of a traffic ticket. If I can open those doors and I can deliver what they are looking for then I am going to be successful.
I know there are a lot of simplistic doofs out there who use anchoring like a club to beat people into submission. They will tell you that you can anchor lust to your zipper. They will tell you that you can control other people with one anchor or some magic phrase. That is all crap. I call that the:
How can I fool people into loving me…..morons. The bottom line is you can’t. You can attract people to you BUT…that has more about you making persona change that it does about you trying to control people to force them to be attracted to you.
When you open that door between you and someone else, they will see you. Wouldn’t it be great if you were really worth seeing? Make the personal changes to BE attractive. Yes that will mean that some of you out there will have to take a shower and do something about the mono-brow you have been ignoring. You might want to skip the 5 dollar hair cut and get a decent one. You might was to dress like you have not just crawled out from under a cardboard house beneath a bridge.
More importantly you will have to release your inner confidence that makes you truly attractive.
Yes anchoring and establishing and building rapport will help. They are not a magic pills that will force other people become attracted to you.
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The 2 quotes that resonated the most with me are:
“Too many people try to use this stuff to control others. To me this just shows that they are terrified to let people see who they really are because they are afraid of rejection. @@@@@If you don’t think people will like who you are…CHANGE.@@@@ ”
“When you open that door between you and someone else, they will see you. Wouldn’t it be great if you were really worth seeing? Make the personal changes to BE attractive.”